3 AM

Ma and Pa walked me to the bus stop earlier today. I knew Pa wanted to talk to me ('bout something I opted not to share here). He insisted Ma to come; I guess he had the feeling he wouldn't be able to get sane answers from me without her around. I hadn't had enough sleep, and the thought of having another awkward conversation automatically turned me into this sullen, irrational brat. It's not that I am not a morning person, but I guess it has always been about my father's habit of bombarding me with the same questions. I chose to be silent. (Normally I would snap something like: "Bakit ba kasi tanong ng tanong?!" ...Yup, in a very irritated voice.) He gave me the same lectures; I think I memorized his lines already. Everything was the same, and I did not act any differently, either.

But there's this one point during our conversation, if you can call it that since he was the only one doing the talking, that made me want to cry and hug him. His exact words were: "Minsan pag nakikita ko kalagayan niyo ng mga ate mo, iniisip ko kung san ba kami nagkulang. Kung pinalaki ba namin kayong sunod sa layaw..."

His words cut right through me. I wanted to tell him so badly that it was never his fault. That we just grew up...we grew apart, and that we made our choices. I know I made mine, at least. Someone was silently screaming in my ear that I should tell him how I can no longer take any more pretentions and lies. How much I wanted to break free. How I am dead inside. But I chose not to speak, for I am fully aware that I'd only crush my old man's already broken heart. I chose to be silent about the things that I needed to say, about the things my father and mother deserved to hear. I love them too much to hurt them by being honest about what I really want in life. I can't tell them I have chosen a different path, the path where I couldn't serve their God.

Yes, I chose to be silent... and gently broke my parents' hearts, like I always do. I acted like I heard nothing, and felt nothing.

The bus arrived, and I walked away.